Thank You

Let me just say that I owe a HUGE HUGE HUGE Thank You to my parents this week.

This week was just insane. I was a busy little bee. I spent my week helping out a friend who is recovering from surgery by driving her daughter to and from work. I really didn't mind and was glad to be able to help, but what an EXHAUSTING week! Joshua has been fighting a cold and so wasn't sleeping through the night, then getting up at 6am each day..

Money has been very tight, so stress was running high and to try to keep things within budget my shopping cart this week was well, let's just say slim pickings and some missed meals so that I could buy more formula for Joshua. I must admit to getting a little bit emotional; maybe it was the lack of food, maybe it was the lack of sleep or the stress. I'm not really sure but I called my mother at the end of my wits, half in tears trying to figure out how to make all this work.I really just needed to get some stress off my mind by ranting. I really just was hoping for a suggestion or two and a sympathetic ear. Instead when I went by the house on Friday, my Dad spent the day taking me & Joshua shopping to BJs and then the supermarket and stocking us up. Every time I wasn't looking he'd throw something else in the cart. I couldn't stop thanking him, and I think I've called both my parents 4 or 5 times each to thank them again and again. We have a closet full of diapers, wipes, formula and food thanks to them. And it's amazing how much better I feel, how much BIG a difference eating 3 square meals a day without worrying about having dinner or diapers for the next day, makes it easier to deal with well.. everything.

Aside from saying THANK YOU which I have done a number of times and will keep doing every time I see them, speak to them or grab something from the fridge. I don't know how to thank them. Nothing seems adequate enough. Coming home and unpacking the bags I spread everything out before putting it away and all that I could say for an hour as I cleaned house and organized the pantry and cooked dinner was "Oh my god".

The biggest thing in my mind right now is "What was I thinking?!" All the times when I was in highschool that I hated on my parents. All the times I told them to leave me alone or that I didn't need their help.. What was I thinking?? They have been so good to me in so many ways that I didn't even realize until now. I'm a grown woman with my own child and they are STILL taking care of me when they can, when I need it. I feel filled with pride and gratitude and most of all inspiration. I hope that I can be half the parent to Joshua that they are to me.



***********ALSO*********

One of the blogs that I follow, Kelle Hampton ; she is an amazing woman, mother, photographer and writer. She wrote a post recently, To Thine Own Self Be True about Dove's Self Esteem Movement. I admire this woman very much. And this post is an emotional and spiritual boost. I needed this after the past week. The post is really about finding ones true self and what she wishes she could say to her 13 yr old self. It's also about figuring out how to give her own daughters the strength and confidence and character she tries to find in herself.

This really got me thinking. I wish I could go back and talk to my 13 yr old self. There's so many things I wish I could say. Things I wish I could tell myself not to do or say. I'd tell myself to do so many things while I had the chance. But then, if I'd lived a different life back then, I'd be a different person now...

I've begun to realize just how amazing and lucky I am to have found Erik. He is the best thing for me. He's helped me to see that I need to find myself and he's been guiding me on my search, even before I knew I was searching. Right now I am in this weird gap in life. I'm stuck somewhere between the very awkward "I hate myself, I hate life, I'm miserable because I've convinced myself that I aught to be miserable because that's what is cool" teenager stage, and the comfortable, cool and collected, confidant woman that I hope I can find in myself and somehow, someday become. I also realized that my biggest problem in life has been in trying to do what I think I'm supposed to, to live MY life by everyone else's standards. Or just to live life by standards at all. I've always tried to plan life out. I've convinced myself that I have to drive in-side the lane markings at all times, no changing lanes. That life is a straight line, a path carved in porcelain; unchanging forever. That once I get onto the correct path in life there will be a giant neon sign saying "YOU ARE HERE". But life isn't like that at all. Or some I'm finally learning. Life is all about the mistakes and the side streets, the roads that curve, and the scenic routs. It's all about going with the flow and living life to it's fullest in each moment just because you can. It's a mixed up, jumble of crazy good and crazy bad and everything somewhere in-between. And most of all there's no cookie cutter mold for me or for anyone. Life is just that, life. And to find your "right path" all you have to do is to tell that corner of your mind screaming for order and direction to "Shut Up", and go about your way LIVING it.