Why am I still awake?

"God this is crazy" is the only thing I can think of to say.

Anyone with a child knows there are two laws about babies; (1) never wake a sleeping baby and (2) you sleep when the baby sleeps. The first law aside, it's the second one that makes me question my sanity. Let's not even discuss daytime naps... Joshua has been asleep since about 11:15 PM, it is now 12:30 AM and I am still awake. Not for lack of trying, believe me! There are just so many damn things running through my head that I can not for the life of me fall asleep. I am so tired, but closing my eyes just makes my thoughts spin around and around until I need to open them again before I get dizzy or scream. I want to sleep so badly but even when I fall asleep, peace is not for me; sleep brings dreams, dreams that taunt me with un-solvable problems, what if's and loose-loose situations. I am so stressed out over so many things that are currently out of my control it's mind-boggling which might be my problem all together lol. The corner of my brain that is dictated by logic knows that if I don't start to relax and to get enough sleep I am NEVER going to get better. It's been 2 months since Joshua was born and I'm still not myself. Every time I finally start feeling like myself, I get sick or hurt myself or a hundred other things.

I know it's been a while since I last updated here. And it seems unfair to post at 1am bitching and moaning. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bitch and moan. At least I don't mean it to be.
This is a "I give up, I'm desperate, stressed out and tired... some-one save me please?".
It's a "Where is the fairy godmother or the 'Happily-Ever-After' that Disney promised me as a little girl?".

And it's an "All I really want is to be able to give my son a good life, like I had, better than I had."
I feel like maybe I'm living in a dream world sometimes, because the things I want just seem so impossible. But that can't be because I'm not asking ridiculous things like millions of $s or mansions or fancy cars. I'm asking for $ for groceries and rent, simply a nice little place to call our own . You get the idea. So why do I feel like I'm rubbing every bronze lamp in the continental United States hoping that a Genie will pop out of one...

All I can think right now is "I want to... NEED to sleep" mixed with "what am I gonna do..." and then somewhere in my mind a voice is shouting over the rest and it's saying "Some-one save me".