Trying so hard

I am trying so hard to do everything right; to be a good mommy to Joshua, to be a "good daughter" to parents who have helped me out so much the last months. I'm trying to figure out work and everything else. It's just not happening.
Looking for work since March, still nothing, and getting desperate.
Wishing I could go back to school, and knowing I can't right now.
More bills than I care to think of and a dwindling savings account that seems like a one way street.
Trying not to think about how different things feel between me & Erik, pretending only works 90% of the time; sometimes I feel like he's distant from me, the physical distance aside.
Joshua is 3 months today; he had a bad night last night and so far, a worse day today.
Last night I was; tired, cranky, frustrated.
Today I am; over-tired/ exhausted, angry, frustrated, miserable and bordering on depressed.
Don't get me wrong it's not Joshua, it's not the baby blues or PPD... it's stress. And it's knowing that all the things that I need to do, none of are getting done.
I feel like I'm in a catch 22 all time.

Like a freaking whirlwind..

I don't want to work. I need to work. I'm looking for work. I'm not finding work. I don't want to leave Joshua with a stranger. I found a friend to watch him. I need to pump milk. My pump won't work. Maybe I should give up on breastfeeding and switch him to formula. I like breastfeeding though. If I try to stop the breast-infection might come back. Joshua doesn't like the formula. Apparently the formula makes him sick. So I have to keep breastfeeding. But I can't work and breastfeed at the same time. I guess I should get a new/different pump. With what money?. What would I even wear to work?. I guess I have to get new/nice cloths. With what money?. Reminder: Bank account balance. Reminder: owe credit card. We are moving in 2-3 weeks. Assuming it doesn't get postponed yet again. If we move I need to work. I don't have a job yet. Guess we are living off savings. Oh yeah, what savings?. Erik doesn't make enough to support all 3 of us. Maybe I should go apply at McDonalds. Why bother, even they won't hire me. Well if I'm not working I should go back to school. I want to go back to school. School = Job?. No guarantee though. Reminder: how to pay for school. Reminder: owe old student loans. Great defaulting on that, not going to be able to get a new one. Guess I'm not going back to school. How to help Erik support me & Joshua????. Stay at mom & dads? I miss Erik. Joshua misses his daddy. Mom & Dad don't have the $ for this either.
around.
and around.
and around.

Joshua won't sleep. Oh wait now he's sleeping. Oh wait, now I can't sleep. Great.
Don't even get me started on how fast the past 3 months have gone. It's not fair. I wanted this so much. And now everything is working against me, to keep me from enjoying it. No way are we doing this again, once is horrible enough. Erik doesn't want to. Our wallet can't. I'm fine with one. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. I thought pregnancy would make me feel beautiful and special. Pregnancy sucked. I thought his birth would be something I wanted to remember, something special. I hate that I failed and couldn't actually give birth. I never wanted a surgery and I don't want to remember it. Yes I do. I didn't even get to hold him first, my mom did. I can't remember much of it. The first month of his life gone. I was in too much pain to even be a mother to him. The second month of his life gone. Still not up to being much of a mother, pathetic. Third month. Now i'm just a bad mother. What kind of life is he going to have. I never should have had a baby.

I want to throw something. I want to break something. I want to scream. I want to get in my truck and drive away. I want to run away. I want to make someone feel as miserable and angry and frustrated as I feel.

I feel like a failure. I can't even keep my emotions in control. What kind of pathetic excuse for a mother am I?. My parents are doing 1/2 of this for me. Erik isn't even trying. But it's not his fault, he will when we move. No he won't he'll be working or tired from working. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. :'(