The Trip

Went to bed at 1030 PM after packing everything up and in the truck for the trip.
Joshua woke me up at 4 AM. Erik was here at 7 AM and we left right away.
I drove, Joshua was an angel and slept peacefully the whole drive up.
We made good time and hit the Phoenicia Diner for Breakfast (can't beat farm-fresh egg, bacon, + sausage, home-fries & fresh coffee).
We headed to his brother's house and spent the day hanging out.
Joshua was reasonably well behaved.
Around 5pm he started getting fussy and eating every hour.
Erik said he didn't want to spend the night, and that we should leave soon.
I wanted to stay, but knew he was probably right.
At 6PM we packed it in, stopped back at the Diner for a quick to-go dinner (chicken fingers) and hit the road.
Joshua screamed. We stopped and changed his diaper. Got back on the road. Joshua screamed. We stopped and burped him. Got back on the road. Joshua screamed. We tried to ignore him for a little while...
He screamed for 30min; the kind of screams that kill me. Every gasping shuddering cry felt like a dagger in my heart. I sat there in tears for about 20 min , torn somewhere between nausea and the verge of hysteria. Finally Erik pulled over, I got in back and gave him a bottle.
There was the emotional guilt trip of letting him scream it out that way when he was hungry. I didn't know, he'd eaten barely an hour before! I feel like such a bad mommy!!!
He ate and fell asleep. We stopped at a rest stop so I could hop back in front. I calmed down and we resumed the drive back to Queens.
We hit the Bronx and Erik suddenly says "would you be upset if I don't spend the night?".
He doesn't want me to be mad. I'm not mad.
I'm disappointing because I look forward all week to spending one night with him...
I'm sad because I miss him and yeah we spent the day together but we were either driving or I was with Joshua and he was hanging with his brother or we watched TV from opposite ends of the room.
He dropped us off. Joshua woke up. He helped me put him back to bed. Hugged me tight and said "I'll call you tomorrow at lunch" and left.
I didn't even get an "I love You" or a "good night".
He left because he's awake from the drive and doesn't want to be stuck here. He wants his coffee.
I probably could have told him how upset this makes me... but then he'd stay out of guilt for making me unhappy.
I want him here because he wants to be here..
So now I'm tired.. no.. I'm beyond tired. I'm disappointing and sad and verging on depressed. It was such a nice day. I love going upstate. But I'd have traded the trip upstate for one hour of cuddling. For one hug that wasn't a good-bye hug.
Joshua has now done 2 1/2 hrs of sleep. I can't sleep. I want to curl up in a ball.

He said the whole point of the trip was because he felt I needed it, that he wanted to cheer me up. And I did need it. It did cheer me up. But now I feel worse than I did before the trip.