Rant -- Who knew this would be so hard ?

Who knew this would be so hard before we started it all. I constantly find myself back at the same thought; if I had known what I know now, would I have walked the same path? I always answer yes but it leaves me wondering, wishing, and finally devastated when in the end I am forced to admit that it doesn't matter if I would or not, because I already did.

I love my son, I love my fiance and f*k it I love myself too, I would even go so far as to say I love my life. That said... there are things in my life these days that make me so unbearably stressed I occasionally find myself un-able to say that last part..

I am fully aware that times are tough for everyone these days and I am also sure there are lots of people worse off than we are but we sure are struggling; I don't know what I would do without my family... without Erik to keep me strong. No matter how tough it gets he is solid, he is my wall to stand up against, a tower of strength to lean on. Corny as that is, today is one of those days I find myself in need of it; that quiet love. Those strong tan arms to hold me tight, the deep voice to whisper reminders that it will be okay.. somehow.. the heart beating loudly next to my ear to remind me that if nothing else we have each other.

Today I feel sad and desperate, stressed and so very frustrated that I can't seem to make it better. Most days I don't feel this way, I try not to linger on it; it is what it is. But as my moods inevitably swing around I find myself going over the numbers obsessively. Noting the dips in our savings, obsessing over knowing where each and every individual dollar has gone, regretting not having the ability to spend less & save more, wishing I could fix it, dreaming of winning the lotto, hoping something gives soon, knowing I am the one who has to find a way to change things for the better, and doubting if I have the strength to do it all.

The apartment is a mess with toys everywhere, I have doctors I haven't gotten to visit with prescriptions that are running out, my "stock-up" of food slowly depleting, my "savings jar" is really just a few hand-fulls of change, the pile of bills on my table is threatening to take over, the gas tank is more than 1/2 empty and it's only the 7th of the month, the box marked "money saved towards our wedding" is virtually empty.
Not to complain
but I am wondering how we are possibly managing :\