Life is hard, everyone knows this and it's commonly known that nothing worth having or doing comes easy. Personally I think growing up in the modern society is harder than it was back when my grandparents were growing up. Society has such a loud opinion of everything and whether we want to or not we defer to it's judgment on too many things. Most of us grew up nearly brainwashed by the media and the world around us, it's hard to escape because it's everywhere. There are a hundred and one aspects to this but the one that I'm talking about is the way we look. We are told that the beauty can only be found at the bottom of a bottle of diet pills or within some crazy anti-eating diet or hiding behind the doors of the gym. It's wonderful to eat healthy and to exercise but too many people take it too far. Why? Because we are given a Barbie Doll, and told "you need to look like this".
High school is cruel. I always had horrible self-esteem; I don't know that anyone could ever tell I was so good at hiding that behind so many other things. It was my darkest fear that I wasn't skinny enough , or wasn't pretty enough. I never though I was good enough and obsessively compared me to everyone else. Somehow I never measured up and I hated them all for being "better", I hated me for not being able to be them. Maturity brought some relief, I found that even if I didn't look like Barbie or 1/2 the "popular" girls in H.S. men were still interested in me. I judged myself based on how many would turn their head when I wore a low-cut shirt or a short skirt. This in turn had it's own issues; I judged my worth based on my sex-appeal to worthless men (I seemed to attract a lot of scum bags for a long period of time there..).
I am very fortunate that Erik is an angel, he is and always has been convinced that I am beautiful and beauty aside that my personality is worth his time. He's spent so much of the past 3+ years we've known each other trying to convince me to see myself through his eyes, even long before we ever dated. I never exactly believed him but hearing it all the time was finally convincing me that it must be at least partially true. My self-esteem took a nice boost even if my body-image was still pretty low at times.
Pregnancy has brought it's own round of challenges. I was re-introduced to my nemesis; weight gain. I'd been hovering around 150/155 for years and over past 2 or 3 years managed to add 10-15lbs to that and so started my pregnancy at 166. Erik insisted at every pound that I was still beautiful & sexy; that I was gaining weight not because I was getting fat but because I was carrying life. I felt horrible anyway. When my "baby bump" started to really show I danced a little dance; I felt like I looked pregnant instead of like I had a beer gut lol. And still I cried when I saw the scale hit the 200lb mark. I regularly have compared myself to a beached whale (feeling like one doesn't help thinking I look like one).
But at the same time, I'd always dreamed of having a baby. In fact I obsessed over it for the past 2 years, when I had the Miscarriage last year I felt worthless like without the ability to be a mother I was useless. No this pregnancy was not planned (we intended to wait a year or two) but we both knew I would be desperately unhappy if I never ended up having a child. Reading that woman's post on the message board I feel like my brain just turned on, like I just woke up.
This is it. I have traded my last *chance* to look like a Barbie doll for the opportunity to bring my son into this world. I have to say it is beyond a fair trade and presented the same options again I would make the same choice again & again. Talking to my mom has helped a little; I've seen the stretch marks and the C-section scar that are all from me. Now I look at pictures of me pre-pregnancy and I can see something beautiful there, I can love the way I looked. Granted it's true; my body will never be the same again. But why does that have to be a bad thing? After my son is born I will get back in shape; my hips may forever be wider set and I may always have a little more of a belly but so be it I can still get down to a healthy weight and feel good about how I look. And if I still have a whole host of stretchmarks, well, let's call them Mommy Scars instead, and treat them like Badges of Honor! :)
I think that's about all I have to say; but I think it needed to be said, if for nothing else than having written it makes me feel how real it is. A wise man once said "The pen is mightier than the sword".
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