Frustration

Saturday, March 20th; Today we are 27 Weeks & 5 Days Pregnant ~ Only 86 Days to Go!

Well today I went shopping with mom. It was supposed to be a quick in and out and then Erik was going to visit. Erik ended up getting sick, I was so worried about him. He's feeling alot better now, thinks he had some bad milk this morning.. ugh! So we ended up spending the day shopping in a couple different stores, I came away with an outfit for the bar-mitzvah next weekend & a really nice blouse. Erik stayed home, I spoke with him after dinner he didn't sound great, hopefully he feels better tommorow. And hopefully I can see him soon.... When dad got home we all went for a walk around the neighborhood as a family, it was nice, I basically chatted with my dad the whole time. Then Dad & I made dinner. All in all not a horrible day. But I came away from it feeling so unhappy. Not like sad unhappy, but like angry unhappy. Frustrated.

I feel very angry and I can't honestly think of anyone who deserves that anger so I just feel frustrated ONTOP of feeling angry. Ranting and bitching just doesnt seem to help, I feel like talking is doing nothing for me. I need to scream at the top of my lungs at someone or punch someone in the face. But again, I don't know anyone who currently deserves to be punched in the face. Part of me thinks I should hit a wall, because I'm the one who deserves to get hurt but my back hurts enough that I can't deal with my hand hurting too. And I know from past experience, that punching a wall fucking HURTS.

I'm just so tired of feeling.... helpless and weak. I feel fat and ugly and either depressed or angry all the time. I miss work. I miss being able to get in my truck and just drive, drive anywhere anytime as far as I need to until I'm calm. But I cant because now when I get in the truck I have to make sure I don't dissapear without people knowing my itinerary, I have to have my phone 24/7 and I can't stray too far from the hospital..... I miss being able to smoke just ONCE to calm down, I have to just simmer like a pot of boiling water, and wait for something to distract me for a little while. I could be smiling and laughing on the surface but somewere in the back of my mind is just this black darkness, this maddness. The unhappiness. Not to mention the constant reminder that I'm trapped in my parents house. I miss my freedom so much. But bottom line is I have to be nice & grateful to them because they are giving me a place to live, and feeding me without asking for anything in return.