Where the End of February Finds Us..

Life in general: not much has changed, things are still hard. But Erik keeps reminding me that nothing worth doing is ever easy.

Work: I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. It may not pay that great, and it may not have any benefits, but I love what I do. :) I actually wake up looking forward to my day (well.. most days but I'm not perfect).

Home: Over the winter we did a few DYI fixer-up-er projects. We installed 6 very large wall to wall shelves in the living room (to be stained in the spring). We put up curtains in all the rooms, and got a new (albeit 2nd hand) futon/couch.

Joshua: He is not a baby anymore, he is a little person. He doesn't just say words anymore he has conversations. He doesn't take steps, he runs with purpose. He doesn't just stare at his toys because they are colorfull, I've actually caught him pretending and making up games to play (granted it only lasts about... 5 min. max at a time but he isn't 2 yet!). His 18month checkup showed he is healthy, well above average in height, doing well developmentally and he took his shots like a CHAMP not even a whimper :D The thing that impresses me the most is that he has developed such a personality. How much he has changed from the (not so tiny @ 9lbs 6ozs) bundle on day 1 to now at 20months! Only one thing has remained constant... his lack of desire to sleep LOL! <3

Family in general: Biggest development? "Cousin Shoshy" is now ENGAGED to "soon-to-be-cousin Joe" lol

Wedding Plans: Still waiting on Erik to get a copy of his divorce papers from the Town Clerk.... However we did find and hire an officiant we really like for the wedding! His name is Rev. Dennis and he is an interfaith reverend. For a fairly reasonable price he will be preforming our ceremony however we desire (just as soon as I drop off the deposit) lol. Additionally I JUST got off the phone with Town Hall, our reservation for the park has been confirmed, and they are mailing us all the final paperwork for our official permit ^_^! The park will be ours for 7hours if we choose to want them all :)!

And, finally, a picture :)

Rant -- Who knew this would be so hard ?

Who knew this would be so hard before we started it all. I constantly find myself back at the same thought; if I had known what I know now, would I have walked the same path? I always answer yes but it leaves me wondering, wishing, and finally devastated when in the end I am forced to admit that it doesn't matter if I would or not, because I already did.

I love my son, I love my fiance and f*k it I love myself too, I would even go so far as to say I love my life. That said... there are things in my life these days that make me so unbearably stressed I occasionally find myself un-able to say that last part..

I am fully aware that times are tough for everyone these days and I am also sure there are lots of people worse off than we are but we sure are struggling; I don't know what I would do without my family... without Erik to keep me strong. No matter how tough it gets he is solid, he is my wall to stand up against, a tower of strength to lean on. Corny as that is, today is one of those days I find myself in need of it; that quiet love. Those strong tan arms to hold me tight, the deep voice to whisper reminders that it will be okay.. somehow.. the heart beating loudly next to my ear to remind me that if nothing else we have each other.

Today I feel sad and desperate, stressed and so very frustrated that I can't seem to make it better. Most days I don't feel this way, I try not to linger on it; it is what it is. But as my moods inevitably swing around I find myself going over the numbers obsessively. Noting the dips in our savings, obsessing over knowing where each and every individual dollar has gone, regretting not having the ability to spend less & save more, wishing I could fix it, dreaming of winning the lotto, hoping something gives soon, knowing I am the one who has to find a way to change things for the better, and doubting if I have the strength to do it all.

The apartment is a mess with toys everywhere, I have doctors I haven't gotten to visit with prescriptions that are running out, my "stock-up" of food slowly depleting, my "savings jar" is really just a few hand-fulls of change, the pile of bills on my table is threatening to take over, the gas tank is more than 1/2 empty and it's only the 7th of the month, the box marked "money saved towards our wedding" is virtually empty.
Not to complain
but I am wondering how we are possibly managing :\

It's all in the details

Dress


My Ring

His Ring

Delinquent Poster

Sheesh life has been busy. I have been a most delinquent poster.
Since my last post life has shifted and changed (more than once).
Just before Joshua turned 1 went back to school, I stopped breastfeeding & quit being a stay @ home mommy... Next thing I knew I had started down a path marked "career" and was juggling baby/school/ and 2 jobs.
Since then I have fallen in love with that new path and am pursuing it with gusto (the A+ average from Nassau Boces, and a 96% on the national exam earned me my National Certificate as a CMA), which has now led me to (finally) college. I started NCC in September, and plan on doing nursing (RN). Unfortunatly my 1st job as an MA did not work out but the experience landed me with my 2nd job as an MA at a Colo-rectal surgical practice and I am loving every moment of hard work as it's worth it's weight in gold just for the learning experience.

Times have been hard for us as a family, financially we are really struggling, but I think it has taught us that we can manage and that we can do amazing things with very little. Money is not happiness after all. And we have been doing a good job of keeping Joshua in the dark on it. I never want him to need or want for anything (within reason). He should never have to think "mommy doesn't have money today". He should be a happy innocent child for as long as he rite-fully can stay that way.

Joshua is now 16months old, he is doing terrific on all fronts, talking well, not just walking but running, enough teeth to HURT when he bites (yes.. he has temper tantrums.. I'm not proud of that but we are working on it). He does great at daycare and while he still is not a very good sleeper he has improved a bit.

But the biggest news (to me) the news I am most excited about really doesn't have much to do with any of the above.. In September Erik & I became engaged and are now diligently planning our wedding for October 2012.
So now our little family is off on a new adventure; laden with planning, tulle, flowers and cake.
Non if that being the truly important part:
Soon enough our happy little family will all share one last name, and to me that is ecstasy.

A date has been chosen,
a ceremony location picked out, and we are anxiously awaiting February for the official permit.
My dress is chosen, tried on and paid for in full, awaiting the stress of alterations to come in the summer.
We have chosen each others rings, which are now paid for, and have arrived, hiding away for the highly anticipated day to come.


I will try to be a more diligent poster in the days to come.
In regards to Little-Man and The Big Day ^_^

Where did the year (and my baby) go?

It's mid-May 2011. My last post was (I think) December of 2010. And it feels like the time since then has flown. I'm not sure where it has gone.

Suddenly my little baby is.. a person? 11 months old in 4 days. He has teeth (5 of them)! He talks (a lot)!, he throws temper-tantrums, he climbs and he cruises. Trips to the playground now involve mommy chasing him all over the jungle gym as he climbs & crawls under, over and through everything he can find, crawl-running from one end of the park to the other, chasing after the 2 and 3 year old toddlers he is (often) on eye level with; not to mention the intense examination of every blade of grass, leaf, flower, pebble and twig (inevitably ending in "NO JOSHUA NOT IN YOUR MOUTH!!!"). He has a definite personality now and does not hesitate to show it off. He hates spinach and cheese ravioli and chopped meat but eats just about everything else in sight. Most days proffering whatever mommy & daddy are eating to what's in the jar meant for him. Just this morning he learned to feed himself with a spoon (well a start anyway) I put oatmeal on the spoon, he grabs it and feeds himself and offers me the spoon when it's gone and says "nahh" (for "now") or "moa" (for "more") or sometimes just "AHHHH" lol.

It's scary thinking of the time that has past. I feel like it was just yesterday that Erik would let me ride around all day with him, the awkward NOT flirting that we used to torture each other with for 10 hours before I went back to my boyfriend of the time and he to his "companions". The verbal fencing we used to conduct. And then the emotional high when we found that connection together. The (what feels like) short period of time we spent just us 2; driving upstate for the weekend our out east on a whim; spending $80 on Sushi just because we could. Driving 50-60 hours and living in the moment. I can't help smiling at the memories of those 2 little lines on the stick, that first sonogram (I thought my heart was going to melt) and seeing that tiny little baby for the first time.. my heart didn't melt or break as I feared, it exploded and grew and fireworks went off inside my head, and the feeling of knowing "THIS is perfect" the first time we were together as a family.

But that's all the past, gone now except in memories. My little baby is a little man now, he will be ONE YEARS OLD in just 5 short weeks.

From April 2011

Welcome to Winter

We had our first flurries last week. It has now dropped below 30 Degrees at least once. Welcome to Winter in New York!

Joshua Updates:
He sits up well, although he can't yet pull himself up to a sitting position by himself.
He stands well with only minimal support.
We had to lower the crib mattress, because he was pulling himself up over the top bar!
He's started to outgrow the current size, so is ventured into 9months clothing.
Additionally, he has mastered baby cereals; rice, barley & oatmeal. He has mastered vegetables (excluding Sweet Potatoes which made him sick v_v); squash, carrots, green beans, peas and white potatoes. And now, is attacking fruit with gusto. His favorite food ever is (apparently) peaches, although he does like pears, apples & bananas as well.
He can use a sippy cup (apple juice).
Finally, he has mastered creeping. He is very good at doing the inch worm. And has started what my mom calls "pre-crawling". Getting up on his hands and knees (tummy clearing the floor) and rocking back and forth.

I (honestly) had a blast making Hannukah cookies. So I've decided to make Christmas cookies too :D

Flying By

It's 2 AM, on a Sunday night or should I say a Monday morning at this point?
Why am I awake you ask? The little monster I call my son. He does like to sleep!

He actually fell asleep nursing around 6pm, slept until 11pm and refused to go back to sleep until about 130 am. It took me 4 tries of sitting on the couch gently rocking him with his pacifier; every time I thought he'd fallen asleep I'd get up and he'd wake up or I'd get him to his crib, and as soon as I put him down he'd scream.
I don't know what's going on with him lately. Before we moved and even when we first moved he was sleeping GREAT; 8-10hours a night of uninterrupted sleep. Now? I'm lucky if I get 4 hours at night and then he doesn't nap during the day either he's just Mr.Mega-Cranky all day.

Add to that he's teething, chewing on EVERYTHING in sight, drooling buckets, little rash on his chin & cheeks from the drool. Tylenol before bed was helping until he started getting Night Terrors. No more Tylenol unless he's having a REALLY bad time of it. Baby Orajel helps, for about 20min and he HATES the stuff.

Best part? I'm quite certain he has a cold. He sounds all stuffed up and congested. He feels warm to the touch a lot of the time (although the thermometer says he is fine) and (if it's possible) he's been even CRANKIER. Erik caught Joshua's cold (probobly because Joshua is always sneezing in our faces). Now I have the cold too.

I went to bed at 10pm. Erik woke me up at 11pm because Joshua was up and hungry. At 12am he says "well, have fun, time for the night shift" and went to bed. I got frustrated after about another hour of trying and failing to get Joshua to sleep and raised my voice saying "GO TO SLEEP!!!!" Let's just say Erik didn't appreciate it; he woke up pissed, snapped at me and went back to sleep. x_x

So why, you ask, if they're both (finally) asleep am I still awake? Well I'm angry at Erik for leaving me to deal with Joshua. I know he needs to sleep because he has work tomorrow. It's not that; it's that I'm sick and have had ONE hour of sleep, he could have been a little more considerate and offered to get up if Joshua was still up in a few hours or something. Instead he said I was the "night shift". Last time I checked I'm the freaking ALWAYS shift. I know Erik is working, and I'm not. But I feel so resentful sometimes that I'M the one up at 5am with Joshua, I'M the one who deals with his crankiness all day, I'M the one trying to juggle a baby that will NOT let me put him down AT ALL without SCREAMING with chores. He comes home at the end of the day and plays with Joshua a little, while I cook dinner and then it's "here you go mommy". I'm LUCKY if I get 4 hours of sleep a night lately! So maybe it would be nice if he'd take Joshua more when he has a day off? I feel almost like I am begging him to play with Joshua on his days off, or to change ONE diaper so I can just SIT for a few minuets. He won't feed him foods (he now eats rice cereal, barley cereal, oatmeal, squash, carrots, peas, green beans, apples, bananas), won't give him a bath. Joshua and I go to bed and he stays up playing video games and then sleeps till 11am; leaving just me with Sir-Cranky-Boy, till the next day when (guess what) it's back to his work-week grind.
I feel bad being so upset about it. Because HE is the one working and supporting all 3 of us. But staying home with this little monster disguised as a cherub that I wish I could yell at but can't because I love him to death that I named Joshua Daniel is NOT easy, or fun. I just wish he could see that. And maybe just be a little more compassionate in the way he talks at the least? "Good night, I love you" would have been a vast improvement over "have fun, night shift is all yours".


On another note. Thanksgiving was pretty good. We went to my parents for dinner. Not much else to say on that.

I am utterly flabbergast that it's nearly December. My little man is FIVE MONTHS OLD.

The Groove

So life is finally getting back into it's familiar groove today. Waking up at 7 to my little monster's scrunched up face; being called out of dreamland by that "where's my boob at?!" cry. Joshua's new thing is that when he wakes up and cries if I don't come running right away he kicks his blankets up over his face, gets stuck, and then starts screaming bloody murder because he can't see anything LOL. Days consisting of snuggling warm little bodies and playtime on the floor, mixed with scrubbing dishes & counters we were too lazy to clean on our off-day (Sunday). I've been having a blast with play-time; I get down on the floor with him and giggle together for a while. We also read a few books today. He does the cutest thing, if you gently blow in his face his eyes get wide and he scrunches up his nose and gasps, then laughs. I've also discovered that he is quite ticklish, if I rub my nose back and forth across his belly he giggles like crazy!

We went and spent part of our day with Grandma on Saturday which was a nice treat for both Joshua & Grandma lol.

Yesterday I attempted to make Chili (my first try) and I really liked how it came out, Erik (who requested it) said it was "a good one-alarm chili" which I understand to mean on the mild side (my intention all along as I don't want to pass on anything too hot through the breastmilk!).
Tonight we had pork-chops (breaded in the oven) with mashed potatoes (from scratch) with home-made gravy. Yum.

Joshua is teething like crazy. Driving me nuts. He isn't eating too well. When he nurses he makes these little whimpering sounds it makes me want to cry. So I snuck about a teaspoon of applesauce into his rice-cereal this afternoon and chilled it in the fridge (right along with the spoon) before feeding it to him.. he gave me a big grin when the first spoonful of cold apple-rice hit his tongue and he devoured the whole little bowlful.

Goodness I suck...
I am in a minor amount of pain today; about 2 weeks ago I noticed (basically) a bump on my leg. I thought it was a pimple, applied some alcohol to dry it out and covered it in gauze so it would stay clean and not rub anything. Since it wasn't hurting, I forgot all about it in the crazy busy week we had last week. Last night I noticed it was still there and quite irritated from rubbing against my jeans all week (grr). Of course, being the idiot that I am, I did a little poking&proding at it. Turns out, it wasn't a pimple like I thought but an ingrown hair that had become infected x_x (ugh) so now I have (basically) a boil on my leg that hurts :( I spoke to my mother about it and checked it out online; all I can really do is put hot compresses on it and keep it clean and covered with gauze to minimize friction, wait for it to go away. Apparently "poking&proding" is the worst thing to do as it just makes it worse. Bummer. I just had to mess with it. Fail.

And now that I've filled you in on our week and completely grossed you out by sharing things I'm sure you don't need to or want to know about :) LOL. The good stuff...

I was sitting on the couch with Joshua this evening just after Erik got home (he was in the bathroom), and since it has been so nice out today (65 deg) I had the window open to let in some fresh air. I hear its "CERASHHH" from the front of the house. Beautiful. Destruction. A car accident :) Lmao.

Finally, now that I've expressed my pleasure in car accidents (as long as no-one I care about got hurt) and you are all well aware of how delightfully twisted of an individual I am (as if you don't already now..) I bid you adieu.

Unfortunatly though it's getting late (nearly 12am) and I'm tired. I've been up since 7am.

Thank You

Let me just say that I owe a HUGE HUGE HUGE Thank You to my parents this week.

This week was just insane. I was a busy little bee. I spent my week helping out a friend who is recovering from surgery by driving her daughter to and from work. I really didn't mind and was glad to be able to help, but what an EXHAUSTING week! Joshua has been fighting a cold and so wasn't sleeping through the night, then getting up at 6am each day..

Money has been very tight, so stress was running high and to try to keep things within budget my shopping cart this week was well, let's just say slim pickings and some missed meals so that I could buy more formula for Joshua. I must admit to getting a little bit emotional; maybe it was the lack of food, maybe it was the lack of sleep or the stress. I'm not really sure but I called my mother at the end of my wits, half in tears trying to figure out how to make all this work.I really just needed to get some stress off my mind by ranting. I really just was hoping for a suggestion or two and a sympathetic ear. Instead when I went by the house on Friday, my Dad spent the day taking me & Joshua shopping to BJs and then the supermarket and stocking us up. Every time I wasn't looking he'd throw something else in the cart. I couldn't stop thanking him, and I think I've called both my parents 4 or 5 times each to thank them again and again. We have a closet full of diapers, wipes, formula and food thanks to them. And it's amazing how much better I feel, how much BIG a difference eating 3 square meals a day without worrying about having dinner or diapers for the next day, makes it easier to deal with well.. everything.

Aside from saying THANK YOU which I have done a number of times and will keep doing every time I see them, speak to them or grab something from the fridge. I don't know how to thank them. Nothing seems adequate enough. Coming home and unpacking the bags I spread everything out before putting it away and all that I could say for an hour as I cleaned house and organized the pantry and cooked dinner was "Oh my god".

The biggest thing in my mind right now is "What was I thinking?!" All the times when I was in highschool that I hated on my parents. All the times I told them to leave me alone or that I didn't need their help.. What was I thinking?? They have been so good to me in so many ways that I didn't even realize until now. I'm a grown woman with my own child and they are STILL taking care of me when they can, when I need it. I feel filled with pride and gratitude and most of all inspiration. I hope that I can be half the parent to Joshua that they are to me.



***********ALSO*********

One of the blogs that I follow, Kelle Hampton ; she is an amazing woman, mother, photographer and writer. She wrote a post recently, To Thine Own Self Be True about Dove's Self Esteem Movement. I admire this woman very much. And this post is an emotional and spiritual boost. I needed this after the past week. The post is really about finding ones true self and what she wishes she could say to her 13 yr old self. It's also about figuring out how to give her own daughters the strength and confidence and character she tries to find in herself.

This really got me thinking. I wish I could go back and talk to my 13 yr old self. There's so many things I wish I could say. Things I wish I could tell myself not to do or say. I'd tell myself to do so many things while I had the chance. But then, if I'd lived a different life back then, I'd be a different person now...

I've begun to realize just how amazing and lucky I am to have found Erik. He is the best thing for me. He's helped me to see that I need to find myself and he's been guiding me on my search, even before I knew I was searching. Right now I am in this weird gap in life. I'm stuck somewhere between the very awkward "I hate myself, I hate life, I'm miserable because I've convinced myself that I aught to be miserable because that's what is cool" teenager stage, and the comfortable, cool and collected, confidant woman that I hope I can find in myself and somehow, someday become. I also realized that my biggest problem in life has been in trying to do what I think I'm supposed to, to live MY life by everyone else's standards. Or just to live life by standards at all. I've always tried to plan life out. I've convinced myself that I have to drive in-side the lane markings at all times, no changing lanes. That life is a straight line, a path carved in porcelain; unchanging forever. That once I get onto the correct path in life there will be a giant neon sign saying "YOU ARE HERE". But life isn't like that at all. Or some I'm finally learning. Life is all about the mistakes and the side streets, the roads that curve, and the scenic routs. It's all about going with the flow and living life to it's fullest in each moment just because you can. It's a mixed up, jumble of crazy good and crazy bad and everything somewhere in-between. And most of all there's no cookie cutter mold for me or for anyone. Life is just that, life. And to find your "right path" all you have to do is to tell that corner of your mind screaming for order and direction to "Shut Up", and go about your way LIVING it.

RazzT

This weekend was a crazy mix of Joshua & big-time cleaning. We got ourselves about 90% un-packed, which means of course that the place is finally starting to get organized, clean and to feel like home. It still needs work but then, hey, that's life... a work in progress :).

Joshua learned to "Razz" he sticks his little tongue out and goes "plhhhhlll" and makes spit bubbles. It's the cutest thing ever!!! And it's so funny; we now have conversations: Mommy sticks tongue out, Joshua sticks tongue out, Joshua giggles. ^_^!!!

Today I spent the day in Queens with dad. Picked up a few things at the store. My first experience with sausage today; we had sausage and peppers on potato-bread rolls. Honestly? It was pretty good.. I'm such a bad Jew!!!

The rest of this week is going to be a little hectic. Vicky is still not feeling 100% so I'm going to play taxi-driver. Well more truthfully, I'm going to be Meghan's personal chauffeur o_O'.

Grandma sent us a check for a house-warming gift. I bought a very nice set of baking gear by Pyrex :) I've also already used some of the gear and I'm love it. Pyrex is the most amazing brownie pan ever!! Lmao! Thank you Grandma!!!!! She also sent a hat that she made for Joshua; it's BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Finally I finished those legwarmers, they are more like ankle warmers since they keep falling down lmao but they are SO WARM!!!!!! I want to try adding a cuff to them to assist them staying up better though, so I guess they're back under-construction.

Pix coming... eventually...

New Projects

I woke up this morning, remarking on how chilly it was in the apartment. Today was raw outside, it wasn't so bad until the wind blew and then it was down right chilly! Lots of hot coffee today.

I am working on a new project. Crocheting up a pair of leg warmers for myself! I'll let you know how it works out. :) If I really like them, I may add them to my Etsy :)

Hectic Hectic new life

I'm loving my new life. Hectic and stressful as it is. I love love love waking up in the morning to Erik & Joshua sitting next to me in bed, breastfeeding and eating breakfast while Joshua watches PBS; lazying in our PJs. I don't mind spending my mornings doing dishes and cleaning around the apartment, seeing Erik at lunch time makes it worth it. I spend the rest of the day cleaning, un-packing, entertaining Joshua, running errands etc. Today is laundry day and food shopping. Then I start cooking dinner; it's supposed to rain tonight so I'm thinking of a big pot of hearty warm stew. The kind of comfort food that sticks to your ribs and heats you up from the inside :). Despite the October chill in the air, it's beautiful out; the sun is shinning and the air is crisp and cool. The sticky heat of summer is gone but it's still warm enough not to need a coat. Cool enough to enjoy cuddling up under the comforter at night. Lot's of un-packing to do again today, yesterday I finally got most of our cloths put away. And right now I'm listening to Joshua laughing and talking to the TV, he loves Sesame Street! Then when Erik gets home we can relax and just enjoy being a family, eat dinner together, bath time and then bed-time for Joshua. Once Joshua goes to bed, Erik and I can hang out like we used to :)) for a little while anyway lol.

I know I mentioned it in my last post but Joshua is doing so well. He's changed SO MUCH even just in the last week! He splashes in the tub and plays with his rubber ducky now. He thinks eating cereal is a game and laughs when I offer him a spoonful of food, sometimes stealing it and sometimes sneaking his hand into the bowl when I'm not looking! He's 25 inches tall and 14.4 pounds and according to the doctor, healthy & doing EXCELLENT.

I know I owe so many pictures but just don't have time these days!!!
Check out facebook for photos :)

Now I have to run; we have a very busy day ahead of us as I want to get everything done BEFORE it starts raining!! *** Fingers Crossed ***

On our own

So now we are all on our own. Me, Joshua & Erik. Life is hectic and exhausting.
Waking up at 7am, my mornings are spent in a flurry of feed + change baby, feed self, get us both dressed, dishes and errands.
Afternoons are a headache. Mr. Cranky-Pants and I are all alone, trying to make the beds, clean the apartment and get dinner started in addition to the usual feeding-changing. Erik doesn't get home from work until after 6.
Then it's dinner, bath-time, more feeding-changing, cranky baby, tired-cranky Erik. By the time I get the chance to relax all I want is to go to bed v_v and the fun starts all over the next day.
As desperately as we need me to work, I haven't found time to look for jobs lately!
We are all moved in, but the only room that isn't still in boxes is Joshua's room. And there are still boxes hiding in his closet. Our bedroom? a disaster that's not yet unpacked.
*sigh*
So I appologize for infrequent updates. Things need to settle down a bit :\

On the other hand, Joshua had a Doctor's apt yesterday. More vaccinations, which lead to a SUPER-CRANKY baby yesterday o_o. On the plus side the doctor was FINE with me feeding him cereals. He now weighs 14lbs 4oz and is 25in long!

MOVING

Thursday Erik told me "there is a moving van outside, start packing" and told me about 2 weeks.

Friday he told me how disgusting those people were; Karen spent her time cleaning up their mess!

Saturday Mom, Mimi & I had a girls day out (with Joshua of course) we went shopping in the morning, had a quick lunch on the go and then spent the afternoon at a local flee-market. I found the perfect ring :)! It's sterling silver with a really beautiful pearl. I really wanted something just like this; as pearl is Joshua's birth stone. Yay. I went home to feed Joshua and they went to Hagen-Daz. When Erik came over he told me "Oh Dave is holding off on the re-doing the bathroom, we're just going to fix what we need to for right now and do it next spring." Okay cool.
I cooked dinner and baked a huge tray of brownies for him :) I made a Moroccan dish called a Tangine, it's kind of like a Chicken Stew but totally awesome with all the veggies and seasonings I put in and over couscous it rocked my taste-buds. The brownies also came out nearly perfect ^_^ Dad watched Joshua for a while so Erik & I could go spend some time alone in the truck (about 15/20min). He tells me "Seriously start packing, 1 week".

Sunday we went to visit my grandparents in the morning x_x'' that was fun.. In the afternoon Joshua & I drove out to Massapequa to see the apartment for the first time. Let me just say that Karen is AMAZING; she showed me video on her phone of how disgusting the previous tenants left the apartment, compared to how clean it looks now she works MAGIC. They rented a Professional Steam-Carpet-Cleaner and replaced all the blinds, fixed up the tiles in the bathroom, re-painted the windowsills and basically scrubbed the whole place. THANK YOU DAVE & KAREN!!!! We hung out for a while then went over to Vicky's and had dinner which was DELICIOUS (Corned Beef). THANK YOU VICKY!

Monday Erik stopped by during work on his way back from NJ and we called Verizon to get the internet set up in the apartment (they are coming on Wed). Then Dad, Joshua & I braved the outdoors singing "Rain Rain Go Away" while trying to keep Joshua dry and avoid stepping in huge puddles; the 177th Street River flows yet again, LoL! We went to QCSB on Main St where the bank did something mind-bogglingly stupid and pissed me off... so now I have to go close my account there and take all my $ because I can't trust them anymore... just have to find the time. Next we went to BJ's in College Point and I picked up a few things for the Apartment. I did a little packing mostly dishes and things and braved the rain again, driving out to Massapequa. Dave & Erik spent 2 hours fixing the bath-tub faucets, then we did a little un-packing and had a quick and very un-healthy (21 Point) dinner at BK. I headed back to Queens around 11pm, nursed and put Joshua to bed and then passed out cold lol.

Today well.. I spent most of the morning dealing with Mr.Cranky-Pants, amidst Instant Oatmeal breakfasts (yep.. it's chilly enough for Oatmeal YAY). Now I hopped on the internet to relax a little over my Yogurt. Now since he's napping I'm going to run around like a chicken with no head packing :) Mom & I have WW tonight @ 5pm, OUR scale says I lost 4lbs, I'm hoping their scale agrees!!

Apparently Joshua has a milk allergy (yuck), when he had 1 oz of milk-formula he had hysterics and horrible gas, tummy aches and cried for about 3 1/2 hours, took a nap, woke up and threw up :\ I also noticed a little bit of rash around his mouth the same day but it and the reaction were over by the next morning (wheph!).
On the other hand he's doing very well with the rice cereal (he's been on it about 8 or 9 days now) so I'm going to start him on Barley in the morning and switch Rice to evenings.

Apologies to all if I don't post much or get online much to chat or do anything else, my priority at the moment is moving :)!

Etsy Boot Camp

I, Alena, pledge to participate in the Etsy Success Holiday Boot Camp to the best of my abilities. I vow to check in every week, do my homework and support my fellow Holiday Boot Campers. I will read the weekly newsletters and blog posts, check in on the weekly forum thread, read the weekly blog post, check off the checklists and salute the mascot. I promise to share what I've learned with those who need it, support my fellow Etsy indiepreneurs and, most of all, have a positive and persistent attitude. I understand that together we can spread the word about our handmade and vintage goods, making this holiday season a more unique and meaningful one to gift givers and give-ees everywhere!

Another Angry Rant

Today was almost a complete bust.
I got only 6 hours of sleep (after a mere 5 hours and interrupted ones at that yesterday).
I joined Weight Watchers last night, so today was my first day on it. I am severely aggravated by the stress of counting points for everything I eat, everything I want to eat etc. I was dreaming about counting points last night >_<" Which did not make my 6 hours very restful.
I started the day with a huge but healthy breakfast (WW recommended) consisting of 1 whole egg, one egg white omelet with 1/4 cup fresh mushroom, 1 yogurt, 1 cup fruit (honeydew melon), and 1 cup of tea (7 PTs).
Then I fed Joshua cereal, today he ate a whole Tablespoon (mixed with formula). He was trying to help me feed him by grabbing the spoon, pushing my hand (w/ spoon) towards his mouth and sticking his hand in the bowl LOL! That was fun.
I left the house @ 930 AM, hit the bank and headed out to LI to Walmart. I tried to return something, I even had a receipt but they wouldn't take it back! GRRRRR. So I had to carry the offending item (quite heavy) plus baby (in baby carrier) plus diaper bag TWICE to get it back to the truck. Now I have an item that is useless to me. I wish they would let me return it, so I could put the balance towards a crib mattress. Now that, I need. Stupid fucking Walmart.
I drove around a bit, then parked and fed Joshua, we played in the truck for a bit till 1130 AM, and headed over to Erik's job. We were supposed to have lunch at 12 Noon like usual (our new Wednesday ritual). But (long story short) it got delayed until nearly 2 PM!!
I loved lunch (subways) I had a footlong sub (because by that time I was starving) with grilled chicken, lettuce, cucumber, a tad light mayo, a tad honey mustard and mozzarella cheese on Whole Grain Honey Oat bread (9 PTs). I also loved spending time with Erik. I am just pissed that we didn't eat till fucking 2 PM, WTH!!!
Joshua was mega fussy almost all day, like he has been every other day for the past 2 weeks (I HATE TEETHING!!!).
I got home around 3. Spent about 1/2 hour on the phone with Grandma in AZ :) Always love talking to her. I try to call her once a week. Although I feel like an asshole.. I owe her pictures of Joshua BIG TIME. *sigh* add it to my never-ending "To-Do-ASAP" List -_-!!!
Mimi & Mom got home and I thought "oh great, I need a nap". Nope. Mom took a nap. Mimi went on the computer. I took Joshua for a walk for an hour and we hung out at the park and scared away all the Au Pair Nannies by breastfeeding in public *whoot*. So tired. So unfair :(
I get back and all now I'm REALLY tired because of the walk ontop of already having been tired and all I wanted was a nap but since I'm wide awake (from walking of course) I figured hey I'll ask mom to watch Joshua and I'll go relax by myself for a little, maybe hop on the computer. Nope. Mimi comes down complaining she needs the computer to do HW. Mom takes him for 5min and then starts complaining she has to go to the bank. Shoot me.
I stuck him in the bassinet and let him cry for 20min. I just couldn't deal with the megga cranky anymore I wanted to scream. Finally I gave up and cuddled him a little, then I fed him so he'd take a nap. Success. Thank god.
The good news is that the people seem to be moving. Which means my time here is limited. Yay.
The bad news is that I still don't have a job. So I have no idea what we are going to do when I move. I've definitely over-stayed my welcome here. And I can't stand being here anymore. But at the same time, I'm screwed. I KNOW Erik doesn't make enough to support the 3 of us. After rent & car insurance he has $100 left for himself for the week..... how is that going to buy groceries for the both of us, diapers, wipes, etc.????????????
So now my brain has gone back to stressing (of course). Because what better time to stress myself than when I'm already angry, stressed, cranky, over-tired and frustrated to all hell with how cranky and fussy my son is being.
Just bought the mattress for Joshua's crib (finally), so that's $60 *gone*. I still need sheets for that mattress. He still doesn't have much in the way of winter cloths 9-12mo, and still needs a snow suit.
Oh yeah, I still need winter cloths + a coat and boots and let's not forget that Erik needs jeans/work pants, sweat pants and boots.

I very distinctly remember being told that if I am this frustrated to hand the baby to someone or put him down somwhere safe and walk away. So why will no-one take him for 20 min and if I put him down for a nap for some peace of mind I'm going to hear shit about "how long is she going to let him nap for?"

Did I mention that I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE a shower? Because I haven't gotten to take one and that's just disgusting.. why you ask? Because at night when he's sleeping all I can think of is SLEEEEEEEP and in the morning NO ONE IS HERE or if they are here they complain to all hell that they're busy and can't watch him. If I put him in the bouncer in the bathroom with me he screams the whole time.


AAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

Cereal

I decided to try Joshua out on some solid foods (if you can call it solid..)

9/26 11AM - 2 Tsp beech nut's Rice Cereal (+) some breast milk.
At first he made a funny face, but at the second spoon full he was loving it. The kid definitely knows what to do with food on a spoon, because my small bowl full of cereal was gone in less than 5 min!

9/27 10AM - 3-4 Tsp beech nut's Rice Cereal (+) some breast milk.
I've been needing to express the BM by hand since I've had no luck with the pump :(.
He loved it so much he screamed for more! I didn't want to push it so I nursed him after instead of giving him more.

I'm going to slowly increase the amount of cereal for that once a day solid feeding. After about 10 days I'll swap the rice cereal from morning to late-afternoon, and add in a new baby cereal. I think either Barley or Oatmeal (supposed to wait on wheat as it's a potential allergen). :)


When I spoke to Erik today he said the current tennants have finally been packing and moving boxes out (slowly) so we might actually be moving soon!!! He said 2-4 weeks! :D I gotta get packing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOT!

The Trip

Went to bed at 1030 PM after packing everything up and in the truck for the trip.
Joshua woke me up at 4 AM. Erik was here at 7 AM and we left right away.
I drove, Joshua was an angel and slept peacefully the whole drive up.
We made good time and hit the Phoenicia Diner for Breakfast (can't beat farm-fresh egg, bacon, + sausage, home-fries & fresh coffee).
We headed to his brother's house and spent the day hanging out.
Joshua was reasonably well behaved.
Around 5pm he started getting fussy and eating every hour.
Erik said he didn't want to spend the night, and that we should leave soon.
I wanted to stay, but knew he was probably right.
At 6PM we packed it in, stopped back at the Diner for a quick to-go dinner (chicken fingers) and hit the road.
Joshua screamed. We stopped and changed his diaper. Got back on the road. Joshua screamed. We stopped and burped him. Got back on the road. Joshua screamed. We tried to ignore him for a little while...
He screamed for 30min; the kind of screams that kill me. Every gasping shuddering cry felt like a dagger in my heart. I sat there in tears for about 20 min , torn somewhere between nausea and the verge of hysteria. Finally Erik pulled over, I got in back and gave him a bottle.
There was the emotional guilt trip of letting him scream it out that way when he was hungry. I didn't know, he'd eaten barely an hour before! I feel like such a bad mommy!!!
He ate and fell asleep. We stopped at a rest stop so I could hop back in front. I calmed down and we resumed the drive back to Queens.
We hit the Bronx and Erik suddenly says "would you be upset if I don't spend the night?".
He doesn't want me to be mad. I'm not mad.
I'm disappointing because I look forward all week to spending one night with him...
I'm sad because I miss him and yeah we spent the day together but we were either driving or I was with Joshua and he was hanging with his brother or we watched TV from opposite ends of the room.
He dropped us off. Joshua woke up. He helped me put him back to bed. Hugged me tight and said "I'll call you tomorrow at lunch" and left.
I didn't even get an "I love You" or a "good night".
He left because he's awake from the drive and doesn't want to be stuck here. He wants his coffee.
I probably could have told him how upset this makes me... but then he'd stay out of guilt for making me unhappy.
I want him here because he wants to be here..
So now I'm tired.. no.. I'm beyond tired. I'm disappointing and sad and verging on depressed. It was such a nice day. I love going upstate. But I'd have traded the trip upstate for one hour of cuddling. For one hug that wasn't a good-bye hug.
Joshua has now done 2 1/2 hrs of sleep. I can't sleep. I want to curl up in a ball.

He said the whole point of the trip was because he felt I needed it, that he wanted to cheer me up. And I did need it. It did cheer me up. But now I feel worse than I did before the trip.

Milestones.. THREE MONTHS

Happy 1/4 of a year to Joshua! He turned 3 months old this past Monday (9/20)!!

A few Developmental Updates on Joshua:
He's a supported sitter; he sits well but still needs some support.
He can bear most of his weight on his legs (standing) for short periods of time.
He plays peek-a-boo.
Enjoys reading books.
He started (finally) nursing every 2 - 2 1/2 hrs instead of every 1 1/2 - 2 hrs.
He also finally started STTN (Sleeping Through The Night), most nights anyway. I usually get between 6 - 9 hours :).
On the downside? He never naps during the day which means a very cranky little boy!
He's teething. In love with the teething rings!
He's had little tastes of food: plain rice, plain pasta, apple, banana, and (on 9/22 with Daddy) he had and loved a little blueberry.
He says "ah-mah" for mommy, "ahwihc" for daddy (lol!), and "bahh-boo" for his toy (Mr. Bubbles).
He is now wearing the next size (6 mo).
We are taking him upstate for the first time today (9/25)!! He will finally get to meet his Uncle Rob (and maybe, depending on Erik's mood his Aunt Robin).
He likes to watch TV; his favorite show so far is PBS' "The Cat In The Hat Knows a Lot About That".
He loves music; especially classic rock (WBAB) and classical music (Baby Einstein).
He can roll over BOTH ways.
He creeps (step before crawling).
Started noticing small objects (raisin sized).
He tries to touch, feel, and put in his mouth everything and anything he can get his hands on; especially things with bright colors or patterns.

Updates on Me:
I think I've realized what my problem is lately. Many of you probably know that I am Bi-Polar. I was diagnosed when I was 18 after years of hiding misery behind smiles and pretending I could sleep at night. I was so lucky to have a very good pregnancy (aside from the aches and pains and the last month which must be horrible for everyone lol). I was a very happy person (for the most part) while I was pregnant. I was checked by a Psychiatry panel in the hospital and they OKed me that I did not seem likely to have PPD. The first 2 months of Joshua's life I was the same; happy. Suddenly in the 3rd month I have returned to my prior emotional state; disturbed. I'm just not used to it anymore I guess. They say that knowing the problem is half the battle. Many of you also know that I am very "Anti-Medication" for myself. This is still the case. Now the struggle is to keep myself balanced. The thing is; I'm so afraid of being a bad mommy or a crazy mommy. If I can't stay balanced it will be unhealthy for Joshua :\
Wish me luck.

When I got pregnant I weighed 166lbs. At the end of my pregnancy I was 210lbs! Now I am 180lbs. I need to get on my weight-loss and loose this baby-belly! Mom is re-joining Weight Watchers next week, I'm going with her!

Still expecting to move the beginning of October. Fingers crossed!!


The Past Week:
Sunday Mom taught me how to make her Veal Stew (and I tweaked it) so now I know how to make a really yummy stew! :) Yay me.
We had lunch with Erik on Wednesday :)
Yesterday Mom & I did a little shopping (only a very little). We stopped at Carters and Old Navy. Watched a car accident (Ford truck v.s. Honda civic who do you think won?? Lmao).
We switched Joshua to Soy formula, his tummy problems have improved!

Trying so hard

I am trying so hard to do everything right; to be a good mommy to Joshua, to be a "good daughter" to parents who have helped me out so much the last months. I'm trying to figure out work and everything else. It's just not happening.
Looking for work since March, still nothing, and getting desperate.
Wishing I could go back to school, and knowing I can't right now.
More bills than I care to think of and a dwindling savings account that seems like a one way street.
Trying not to think about how different things feel between me & Erik, pretending only works 90% of the time; sometimes I feel like he's distant from me, the physical distance aside.
Joshua is 3 months today; he had a bad night last night and so far, a worse day today.
Last night I was; tired, cranky, frustrated.
Today I am; over-tired/ exhausted, angry, frustrated, miserable and bordering on depressed.
Don't get me wrong it's not Joshua, it's not the baby blues or PPD... it's stress. And it's knowing that all the things that I need to do, none of are getting done.
I feel like I'm in a catch 22 all time.

Like a freaking whirlwind..

I don't want to work. I need to work. I'm looking for work. I'm not finding work. I don't want to leave Joshua with a stranger. I found a friend to watch him. I need to pump milk. My pump won't work. Maybe I should give up on breastfeeding and switch him to formula. I like breastfeeding though. If I try to stop the breast-infection might come back. Joshua doesn't like the formula. Apparently the formula makes him sick. So I have to keep breastfeeding. But I can't work and breastfeed at the same time. I guess I should get a new/different pump. With what money?. What would I even wear to work?. I guess I have to get new/nice cloths. With what money?. Reminder: Bank account balance. Reminder: owe credit card. We are moving in 2-3 weeks. Assuming it doesn't get postponed yet again. If we move I need to work. I don't have a job yet. Guess we are living off savings. Oh yeah, what savings?. Erik doesn't make enough to support all 3 of us. Maybe I should go apply at McDonalds. Why bother, even they won't hire me. Well if I'm not working I should go back to school. I want to go back to school. School = Job?. No guarantee though. Reminder: how to pay for school. Reminder: owe old student loans. Great defaulting on that, not going to be able to get a new one. Guess I'm not going back to school. How to help Erik support me & Joshua????. Stay at mom & dads? I miss Erik. Joshua misses his daddy. Mom & Dad don't have the $ for this either.
around.
and around.
and around.

Joshua won't sleep. Oh wait now he's sleeping. Oh wait, now I can't sleep. Great.
Don't even get me started on how fast the past 3 months have gone. It's not fair. I wanted this so much. And now everything is working against me, to keep me from enjoying it. No way are we doing this again, once is horrible enough. Erik doesn't want to. Our wallet can't. I'm fine with one. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. I thought pregnancy would make me feel beautiful and special. Pregnancy sucked. I thought his birth would be something I wanted to remember, something special. I hate that I failed and couldn't actually give birth. I never wanted a surgery and I don't want to remember it. Yes I do. I didn't even get to hold him first, my mom did. I can't remember much of it. The first month of his life gone. I was in too much pain to even be a mother to him. The second month of his life gone. Still not up to being much of a mother, pathetic. Third month. Now i'm just a bad mother. What kind of life is he going to have. I never should have had a baby.

I want to throw something. I want to break something. I want to scream. I want to get in my truck and drive away. I want to run away. I want to make someone feel as miserable and angry and frustrated as I feel.

I feel like a failure. I can't even keep my emotions in control. What kind of pathetic excuse for a mother am I?. My parents are doing 1/2 of this for me. Erik isn't even trying. But it's not his fault, he will when we move. No he won't he'll be working or tired from working. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. :'(