Where the End of February Finds Us..

Life in general: not much has changed, things are still hard. But Erik keeps reminding me that nothing worth doing is ever easy.

Work: I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. It may not pay that great, and it may not have any benefits, but I love what I do. :) I actually wake up looking forward to my day (well.. most days but I'm not perfect).

Home: Over the winter we did a few DYI fixer-up-er projects. We installed 6 very large wall to wall shelves in the living room (to be stained in the spring). We put up curtains in all the rooms, and got a new (albeit 2nd hand) futon/couch.

Joshua: He is not a baby anymore, he is a little person. He doesn't just say words anymore he has conversations. He doesn't take steps, he runs with purpose. He doesn't just stare at his toys because they are colorfull, I've actually caught him pretending and making up games to play (granted it only lasts about... 5 min. max at a time but he isn't 2 yet!). His 18month checkup showed he is healthy, well above average in height, doing well developmentally and he took his shots like a CHAMP not even a whimper :D The thing that impresses me the most is that he has developed such a personality. How much he has changed from the (not so tiny @ 9lbs 6ozs) bundle on day 1 to now at 20months! Only one thing has remained constant... his lack of desire to sleep LOL! <3

Family in general: Biggest development? "Cousin Shoshy" is now ENGAGED to "soon-to-be-cousin Joe" lol

Wedding Plans: Still waiting on Erik to get a copy of his divorce papers from the Town Clerk.... However we did find and hire an officiant we really like for the wedding! His name is Rev. Dennis and he is an interfaith reverend. For a fairly reasonable price he will be preforming our ceremony however we desire (just as soon as I drop off the deposit) lol. Additionally I JUST got off the phone with Town Hall, our reservation for the park has been confirmed, and they are mailing us all the final paperwork for our official permit ^_^! The park will be ours for 7hours if we choose to want them all :)!

And, finally, a picture :)

Rant -- Who knew this would be so hard ?

Who knew this would be so hard before we started it all. I constantly find myself back at the same thought; if I had known what I know now, would I have walked the same path? I always answer yes but it leaves me wondering, wishing, and finally devastated when in the end I am forced to admit that it doesn't matter if I would or not, because I already did.

I love my son, I love my fiance and f*k it I love myself too, I would even go so far as to say I love my life. That said... there are things in my life these days that make me so unbearably stressed I occasionally find myself un-able to say that last part..

I am fully aware that times are tough for everyone these days and I am also sure there are lots of people worse off than we are but we sure are struggling; I don't know what I would do without my family... without Erik to keep me strong. No matter how tough it gets he is solid, he is my wall to stand up against, a tower of strength to lean on. Corny as that is, today is one of those days I find myself in need of it; that quiet love. Those strong tan arms to hold me tight, the deep voice to whisper reminders that it will be okay.. somehow.. the heart beating loudly next to my ear to remind me that if nothing else we have each other.

Today I feel sad and desperate, stressed and so very frustrated that I can't seem to make it better. Most days I don't feel this way, I try not to linger on it; it is what it is. But as my moods inevitably swing around I find myself going over the numbers obsessively. Noting the dips in our savings, obsessing over knowing where each and every individual dollar has gone, regretting not having the ability to spend less & save more, wishing I could fix it, dreaming of winning the lotto, hoping something gives soon, knowing I am the one who has to find a way to change things for the better, and doubting if I have the strength to do it all.

The apartment is a mess with toys everywhere, I have doctors I haven't gotten to visit with prescriptions that are running out, my "stock-up" of food slowly depleting, my "savings jar" is really just a few hand-fulls of change, the pile of bills on my table is threatening to take over, the gas tank is more than 1/2 empty and it's only the 7th of the month, the box marked "money saved towards our wedding" is virtually empty.
Not to complain
but I am wondering how we are possibly managing :\

It's all in the details

Dress


My Ring

His Ring

Delinquent Poster

Sheesh life has been busy. I have been a most delinquent poster.
Since my last post life has shifted and changed (more than once).
Just before Joshua turned 1 went back to school, I stopped breastfeeding & quit being a stay @ home mommy... Next thing I knew I had started down a path marked "career" and was juggling baby/school/ and 2 jobs.
Since then I have fallen in love with that new path and am pursuing it with gusto (the A+ average from Nassau Boces, and a 96% on the national exam earned me my National Certificate as a CMA), which has now led me to (finally) college. I started NCC in September, and plan on doing nursing (RN). Unfortunatly my 1st job as an MA did not work out but the experience landed me with my 2nd job as an MA at a Colo-rectal surgical practice and I am loving every moment of hard work as it's worth it's weight in gold just for the learning experience.

Times have been hard for us as a family, financially we are really struggling, but I think it has taught us that we can manage and that we can do amazing things with very little. Money is not happiness after all. And we have been doing a good job of keeping Joshua in the dark on it. I never want him to need or want for anything (within reason). He should never have to think "mommy doesn't have money today". He should be a happy innocent child for as long as he rite-fully can stay that way.

Joshua is now 16months old, he is doing terrific on all fronts, talking well, not just walking but running, enough teeth to HURT when he bites (yes.. he has temper tantrums.. I'm not proud of that but we are working on it). He does great at daycare and while he still is not a very good sleeper he has improved a bit.

But the biggest news (to me) the news I am most excited about really doesn't have much to do with any of the above.. In September Erik & I became engaged and are now diligently planning our wedding for October 2012.
So now our little family is off on a new adventure; laden with planning, tulle, flowers and cake.
Non if that being the truly important part:
Soon enough our happy little family will all share one last name, and to me that is ecstasy.

A date has been chosen,
a ceremony location picked out, and we are anxiously awaiting February for the official permit.
My dress is chosen, tried on and paid for in full, awaiting the stress of alterations to come in the summer.
We have chosen each others rings, which are now paid for, and have arrived, hiding away for the highly anticipated day to come.


I will try to be a more diligent poster in the days to come.
In regards to Little-Man and The Big Day ^_^

Where did the year (and my baby) go?

It's mid-May 2011. My last post was (I think) December of 2010. And it feels like the time since then has flown. I'm not sure where it has gone.

Suddenly my little baby is.. a person? 11 months old in 4 days. He has teeth (5 of them)! He talks (a lot)!, he throws temper-tantrums, he climbs and he cruises. Trips to the playground now involve mommy chasing him all over the jungle gym as he climbs & crawls under, over and through everything he can find, crawl-running from one end of the park to the other, chasing after the 2 and 3 year old toddlers he is (often) on eye level with; not to mention the intense examination of every blade of grass, leaf, flower, pebble and twig (inevitably ending in "NO JOSHUA NOT IN YOUR MOUTH!!!"). He has a definite personality now and does not hesitate to show it off. He hates spinach and cheese ravioli and chopped meat but eats just about everything else in sight. Most days proffering whatever mommy & daddy are eating to what's in the jar meant for him. Just this morning he learned to feed himself with a spoon (well a start anyway) I put oatmeal on the spoon, he grabs it and feeds himself and offers me the spoon when it's gone and says "nahh" (for "now") or "moa" (for "more") or sometimes just "AHHHH" lol.

It's scary thinking of the time that has past. I feel like it was just yesterday that Erik would let me ride around all day with him, the awkward NOT flirting that we used to torture each other with for 10 hours before I went back to my boyfriend of the time and he to his "companions". The verbal fencing we used to conduct. And then the emotional high when we found that connection together. The (what feels like) short period of time we spent just us 2; driving upstate for the weekend our out east on a whim; spending $80 on Sushi just because we could. Driving 50-60 hours and living in the moment. I can't help smiling at the memories of those 2 little lines on the stick, that first sonogram (I thought my heart was going to melt) and seeing that tiny little baby for the first time.. my heart didn't melt or break as I feared, it exploded and grew and fireworks went off inside my head, and the feeling of knowing "THIS is perfect" the first time we were together as a family.

But that's all the past, gone now except in memories. My little baby is a little man now, he will be ONE YEARS OLD in just 5 short weeks.

From April 2011

Welcome to Winter

We had our first flurries last week. It has now dropped below 30 Degrees at least once. Welcome to Winter in New York!

Joshua Updates:
He sits up well, although he can't yet pull himself up to a sitting position by himself.
He stands well with only minimal support.
We had to lower the crib mattress, because he was pulling himself up over the top bar!
He's started to outgrow the current size, so is ventured into 9months clothing.
Additionally, he has mastered baby cereals; rice, barley & oatmeal. He has mastered vegetables (excluding Sweet Potatoes which made him sick v_v); squash, carrots, green beans, peas and white potatoes. And now, is attacking fruit with gusto. His favorite food ever is (apparently) peaches, although he does like pears, apples & bananas as well.
He can use a sippy cup (apple juice).
Finally, he has mastered creeping. He is very good at doing the inch worm. And has started what my mom calls "pre-crawling". Getting up on his hands and knees (tummy clearing the floor) and rocking back and forth.

I (honestly) had a blast making Hannukah cookies. So I've decided to make Christmas cookies too :D

Flying By

It's 2 AM, on a Sunday night or should I say a Monday morning at this point?
Why am I awake you ask? The little monster I call my son. He does like to sleep!

He actually fell asleep nursing around 6pm, slept until 11pm and refused to go back to sleep until about 130 am. It took me 4 tries of sitting on the couch gently rocking him with his pacifier; every time I thought he'd fallen asleep I'd get up and he'd wake up or I'd get him to his crib, and as soon as I put him down he'd scream.
I don't know what's going on with him lately. Before we moved and even when we first moved he was sleeping GREAT; 8-10hours a night of uninterrupted sleep. Now? I'm lucky if I get 4 hours at night and then he doesn't nap during the day either he's just Mr.Mega-Cranky all day.

Add to that he's teething, chewing on EVERYTHING in sight, drooling buckets, little rash on his chin & cheeks from the drool. Tylenol before bed was helping until he started getting Night Terrors. No more Tylenol unless he's having a REALLY bad time of it. Baby Orajel helps, for about 20min and he HATES the stuff.

Best part? I'm quite certain he has a cold. He sounds all stuffed up and congested. He feels warm to the touch a lot of the time (although the thermometer says he is fine) and (if it's possible) he's been even CRANKIER. Erik caught Joshua's cold (probobly because Joshua is always sneezing in our faces). Now I have the cold too.

I went to bed at 10pm. Erik woke me up at 11pm because Joshua was up and hungry. At 12am he says "well, have fun, time for the night shift" and went to bed. I got frustrated after about another hour of trying and failing to get Joshua to sleep and raised my voice saying "GO TO SLEEP!!!!" Let's just say Erik didn't appreciate it; he woke up pissed, snapped at me and went back to sleep. x_x

So why, you ask, if they're both (finally) asleep am I still awake? Well I'm angry at Erik for leaving me to deal with Joshua. I know he needs to sleep because he has work tomorrow. It's not that; it's that I'm sick and have had ONE hour of sleep, he could have been a little more considerate and offered to get up if Joshua was still up in a few hours or something. Instead he said I was the "night shift". Last time I checked I'm the freaking ALWAYS shift. I know Erik is working, and I'm not. But I feel so resentful sometimes that I'M the one up at 5am with Joshua, I'M the one who deals with his crankiness all day, I'M the one trying to juggle a baby that will NOT let me put him down AT ALL without SCREAMING with chores. He comes home at the end of the day and plays with Joshua a little, while I cook dinner and then it's "here you go mommy". I'm LUCKY if I get 4 hours of sleep a night lately! So maybe it would be nice if he'd take Joshua more when he has a day off? I feel almost like I am begging him to play with Joshua on his days off, or to change ONE diaper so I can just SIT for a few minuets. He won't feed him foods (he now eats rice cereal, barley cereal, oatmeal, squash, carrots, peas, green beans, apples, bananas), won't give him a bath. Joshua and I go to bed and he stays up playing video games and then sleeps till 11am; leaving just me with Sir-Cranky-Boy, till the next day when (guess what) it's back to his work-week grind.
I feel bad being so upset about it. Because HE is the one working and supporting all 3 of us. But staying home with this little monster disguised as a cherub that I wish I could yell at but can't because I love him to death that I named Joshua Daniel is NOT easy, or fun. I just wish he could see that. And maybe just be a little more compassionate in the way he talks at the least? "Good night, I love you" would have been a vast improvement over "have fun, night shift is all yours".


On another note. Thanksgiving was pretty good. We went to my parents for dinner. Not much else to say on that.

I am utterly flabbergast that it's nearly December. My little man is FIVE MONTHS OLD.